The Struggle Is Real
I debated a lot about actually writing this post, I was worried about being judged. Then I just thought you are all nice people and to be honest I think this is a very relatable topic as many people struggle in the same way that I do.
This post is going to be about weight and weight gain. I am going to be very honest whilst writing this wearing my heart on my sleeve in terms of emotions. I hope that you do find this post relatable, comforting and helpful.
I for one know how weight gain feels, I will hold my hands up straight away. In 2007 I reached a size 16-18 dress size, I was none the wiser of my size until I saw a photo of my self and said “OH MY GOD” I never even realised that I was the size I was. I am aware that this to some people may not be big at all. But for me personally, my height and how I carried the weight, I did not look like myself.
Immediately I said that’s it, I put myself on a strict diet and exercised 3-4 times a week, it was hard but I was incredibly determined to get back to looking and feeling like me again, I wanted to be a size 10 which would have been the skinniest I have ever been. In just under a year I went from a size 16-18 to a 6, I lost 5 stone. Which to everyone looking at me was a shocking image as I had gone from one extreme to the other. For me personally I could not see a difference, I had what is classed as ‘Body Dismorphia’, I still felt “fat”. This then took me in to a mental space I had never been in before, I then got very obsessed with food in the sense that I couldn’t eat because it would then make me gain weight. Anything I did eat I would then go to the gym and burn off x3 the amount of calories that I had consumed. To the point where I would go to the gym 3 times a day. I think the longest I went with out food was about 4-5 days I had zero appetite. It took me a very long time to get out of this frame of mind and it wasn’t the easiest process. But I did it, got my appetite back and went back to living a normal life and having a normal relationship with food. I managed to maintain my weight loss for 4 and a half years. Eating healthy and exercising. Of course I still had alcohol and bad food but I was sensible about it this time.
I had managed to maintain my weight as I got struck down by anxiety and panic attacks which made me feel unwell and not have a great appetite, especially the first few months of starting medication. Then something changed, my anxiety then made me have an appetite and I had/still have sometimes that my brain tells me that if I don’t eat very soon I will faint and I start to feel unwell. Of course I have been to the doctors, I have had all the blood tests done & ECGS – everything is fine, of course it is. The doctors just reminded me that this is part of having anxiety and health anxiety. My brain plays all the tricks on me.
So over the last 2 years my weight has slowly started creeping up, I have always been very aware of this but have felt incredibly trapped by anxiety because in my head if I didn’t have something sugary I would faint. Its a nasty cycle to be in. I have been training myself to bat away the negative thoughts with the reminder that I have had all the tests and all is ok!
If you take away anxiety and eating issues, I am always going to be someone who struggles with weight, I was a chubby child & teen. I find loosing weight hard and a real struggle. Getting up and doing exercise up to 3-4 times a week is hard. I know that I am certainly not alone in this. Weight is something we really base our happiness on sometimes and if you are not happy with yourself you feel down in the dumps, annoyed with yourself for letting it get this far & unmotivated. Also lets just throw it out there, I LOVE FOOD and so do you. I’m not ashamed to say that I am a complete foodie and generally love all the bad food BUT moderation is the key. No more eating when no one is around, eating things on the sly or snacking on chocolate in general.
I am eating healthy at the moment, I am not going to call it a diet because once it has that title my brain just goes off track and makes me go and eat all the shit!! So I have a meal plan on my fridge and saved to my phone. A shopping list printed off ready to hit the healthy aisles – if its not on the list it ain’t going in my trolley. I have tried doing Slimming World and Weight Watchers and they just don’t work for me. When I lost all my weight years ago I did it by healthy eating and exercise so I know it absolutely does work for me. I just want to get to a place where I feel comfortable in my own body. Its just about being in the right mind set, feeling motivated and ready to say no. I got taught to never deprive your body, if you want a piece of chocolate have a square, moderation is the one! You only have one life so what is the point in depriving yourself of all the goodies.
I know that weight is an incredibly sensitive subject and it makes me feel so weird that I am going to press post on this in a minute and you can all read this, but I am very open about my mental health and I feel that weight is just as important because SO many people struggle on a daily basis with their weight, me included. It does play with your mind as well as you constantly battling with yourself every day. Clothes don’t fit right, you feel uncomfortable in everything, you can’t buy the size you want and you’ve got to buy the size up and you feel horrendous but feel so stuck in a rut… I have been there 100%.
This post is in no way a sympathy vote, me boasting about anything or a selfish act. I wrote this from my heart because I truly believe that when someone is honest and transparent it makes topics like the above easier to deal with because you know that others struggle along with you. Its a hard battle but we can all do it. No one should make you feel bad about your weight or make you feel uncomfortable EVER.
Weight does not define who you are. Be kind to others and be kind to yourself.